Ethnocentrism is not a phenomenon that exists only between countries or on a global scale. It happens in America from state to state, from coast to coast, and from the north to the south. I grew up in southern California and was proud to have been raised in a multicultural area of the United States. By 23, I had lived in multiple states including Washington and Virginia. Yet, I was exceedingly ill prepared for my move to South Carolina at 25. When I first moved to Charleston, I expected the Southern Hospitality I had seen on television and read in literature. Although, I had built up Southern Hospitality in a positive way, I still only had one story, or point-of-view, to draw on. My actual experience revealed ethnocentrism so strong that it could nearly be equated it with xenophobia. I thought there was some inherent flaw in me for the first ten years I lived here. The South has a culture of honor (Davis, 2021) and Southern Pride does not allow for offensive outsiders.
Southern hospitality is hollow: the term gained popularity between 1820 and 1830 as a way to defend the plantation lifestyle (Webster, 2017). This culture of honor is better described as a culture of politeness for the sake of appearing superior. It is disingenuous and passive, and according to my cousin who previously lived in North Carolina, only to be taken at face value. I struggled with this façade for many years because I was accustomed to an assertive ask culture (Leventry, 2021) in which I could be direct and no meant no and yes meant yes. I found myself muddling through polite words only to find that a direct “no” or “I cannot do that” was impolite or insulting. An insulted southerner can be impetuous and sometimes violent (Davis, 2021). Being an assertive and direct woman in the south often resulted in reprimands by older woman, people I thought were friends, and coworkers. Slowly, I became more confused and frustrated. Eventually, I developed social anxiety. It was a struggle to navigate the passive aggressive messages, the insincere smiles, and a nagging fear that I was failing miserably at being me. It took me a while to figure out that locals who were nice to me had no intention of developing a relationship with me as an outsider. I felt like I had stepped on the set of Mean Girls [Film] with Regina George complimenting me only to be told “that is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen,” as I walked away. These were not high school girls acting this way trying to fit-in. These were fully formed adults, some in their sixties, and they made it clear I did not fit-in.
Taking my cousin’s advice only amplified my hindrance for understanding. I could not figure out who my friends were. Searching for genuine intimacy left me feeling hopeless, and at times, like I was losing my own identity. It took many years to realize the pressure white high society, like the Daughters of the Confederacy for example, had instilled in the culture to keep the appearance of superiority (Small, 2021). Outsiders challenge the perception the South fought so hard to cultivate after its antebellum history. My Georgia born ex-mother-in-law perpetuated this whenever she thought I might be challenging her heritage by telling me, “if [I] did not like it [I] could leave.”
It took therapy to appreciate that these experiences were not personal attacks because everything someone else does is about the person doing it (Ruiz, 2018). I learned to see the proud culture through a lens of survival. Assimilation, however, is not necessary. I have accepted that I will never fit into a culture where a need to be superior is a way to survive. Had I known how Southern Pride was truly manifested, I would have done everything I could to keep from moving to South Carolina. Nonetheless, the experience grew me and I am more grounded in my identity after 13 years. Relying on one story is never enough to understand people nor communicate effectively with another culture. I have had to find common interests and to never delve too deep into my own opinions. My responsibility is to look through multiple cultural lenses because communication is more than words; it is a relational process (Griffin et al., 2015).
References
Davis, M. (2021, September 5). It’s a matter of honor: Why Southerners are more polite. Big Think. https://bigthink.com/the-present/southern-more-polite/
Griffin, E., Sparks, G. G., & Ledbetter, A. M. (2015). A First Look at Communication Theory. McGraw-Hill Education.
Leventry, A. (2021, April 29). ‘Ask Culture’ Vs. ‘Guess Culture’ — Knowing These Two Terms Is A Game-Changer. Scary Mommy. https://www.scarymommy.com/ask-culture-vs-guess-culture/
Mean Girls. Dir. Mark Waters. Perf. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, Lacey Chaburt. Paramount, 2004. Film.
Ruiz, D. M. (2018). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book). Amber-Allen Publishing, Incorporated.
Small, S. (2021, February 4). How The Daughters Of The Confederacy; Propaganda, and Power Influence Racism In Society. TrueWordMinistry. https://truewordministry.org/how-the-daughters-of-the-confederacy-propaganda-and-power-influence-racism-in-society/
Webster, K. (2017, September 27). English Prof Explores Southern Hospitality Myth and Race. UMASS LOWELL. https://www.uml.edu/news/stories/2017/southernhospitalityszczesiul.aspx
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